yeah yeah, first post. fuck you.
thats how i feel around alot of the kids that hang out on the ska-punk scene around here. like they're sizing me up and judging me.
"is she a poser?"
"ew she's kinda fat"
"she's a snob"
"she doesnt say very much does she?"
I never know what to say because I dont want to say one thing wrong..it seems like no one else can go wrong..grr..it's so frustrating. And these kids all seem so skinny. I must be the only person on the fucking scene that isnt a size nine. Maybe im the only straight edge one and they're all drug addicts or something ;) naw just kidding..I dont know..I just always feel like im putting myself out there to be involved in someone's group of common interests and im only going to be rejected.
I remember in second grade when I tried so very hard to fit in with these girls in my class..and they were so awful to me yet i kept on. Finally the princess yuppie bitch of all of them invited me to her fucking birthday party. I remember what I wore..this green teeshirt with multicolored hearts and matching stretch pants. Playclothes. I show up there and all these little bitches are wearing these fancy party dresses.
My first true taste of being an outcast. I think back on it and I believe it was a conspiracy. The girl who had the party's mom really liked me..I think she was why I was invited. She really thought I was cute and friendly to her bitch daughter who didnt like me at all, honestly.
I tried a little longer. One day I saw the other girls passing this note and i took it from them and it said:
Do You like Abby?
and below it was alot of other messages saying "no" and "kind of" from the other girls that followed her around...
I wont forget the hurt I felt that day. Like someone punched me. I tried so hard for so long to get this group of girls to like me. Because I liked them. I wanted to be their best friend. I gave them their fucking note and started talking to some of the boys in the class. And ever since then..years later, im the same. Nobody really stands by me. And now im taking this chance. I want to meet people who like what i like. Do what i like to do..someone I can talk to that is as imaginative as I am. And like to listen to AFI and rancid when they are sad and operation ivy and any other ska stuff when they're in a good mood..I just want to be one with them.
But you know where that got me before. Heh. And the little expirience on the AFI message boards tells me that this is what will happen again.