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Saturday, July 13th, 2002

Time:11:26 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
It's hard to say whether i should be rejoicing right now or not. I believe I have gotten myself a possible...could it be a date?...with Kevin. But he kinda signed off before i could get a date settled.

>.<

But...
Still, damn cool.

it's like im living my life, not waiting for my life to happen to me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 9th, 2002

Subject:i miss you lj
Time:9:25 pm.
Mood: anxious.
A piece of me will always love him. But it's getting a hell of alot better. I'm hoping for something with Kevin. But you know, dont get your hopes up. Never.

::sighs:: I miss you ir, not just for someone to whine to either. I really miss you.

::spins around:: i miss you alllll...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002

Time:11:28 am.
Mood: hot.
I will always find myself coming back to this diary. ::yawns and sighs::
i'm looking forward to warped tour. I'm going to hang out with steve, because I was kind let down by the person I was planning to go with. So woohoo! Steve's a great guy. He's not an idiot emotionally.

He knows what he feels and he doesnt push it aside.
i like people like that.

I should be doing school.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, June 8th, 2002

Subject:so i told a white lie.
Time:1:46 am.
Mood: gloomy.
ha.
I didnt leave.
Tonight..
Semi-fucking-formal. I had an alright time. one half was better than the other. legs hurt.
Got home.
Watched TV, listened to COLDPLAY!
um, i dont know why. The mood. I felt like listening to some british guy drone on about lost loves and spies and writing a song. called yellow.
And here I am.
::waves::
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 5th, 2002

Subject:oi is stupid.
Time:7:52 pm.
Mood: predatory.
Due to note abuse, im getting the fuck off the internet as the journal shit goes. If i'm such a waste of time then why leave notes of the bitchy kind that you are notorious for? right. Now YOU fuck off. Thank you and please close the door behind you.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, June 4th, 2002

Subject:The Shrewsbury Elite
Time:7:46 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
So I found myself on the beaches of kennebunk. I felt quite aprehensive at first. It was the first day of my new life, so to speak. I found myself holed up in a port-a-potty because i was cold.

So that was..yeah i was in there for 2 hours. And nobody came. I guess no one had to pee. Sometime later on I made my way into town. I felt better. All these stupid little shops with overpriced everything. I blew my money in about an hour. But this is the unimportant part. Fuck the stupid little shops. I had my revelations in the monks backyard. literally. I walked the grounds of the monestary. They had benches and picnic tables strewn out all over the lot. I layed on my stomach on a bench and wrote the following:

"So im getting annoyed at something some self righteous bitch said in my od. I hate opendiary at this point. And i truly dislike Kayla. Oh yes. Where did these stupid thoughts of her come from anyway? grr what a waste of thought. hiss. But my best friend loves her. Or did. or something. So i respect that.

I need to forget everything. But can I really? The last thing I want is to cut ties with my other friends. Chris, Kyle, Ira. I need em all for various reasons. Which is a friend thing. Everyone needs friends. different attributes in every single one. I jokingly call all the "The Shrewsbury Elite" which i was kind of welcome into after Jon came into the picture. I wouldnt ever let friends like these go. Why should i? But how and when will this fade? Thats a rhetorical question"

After my stroll through the monestary I made it back to the beach. This is my mental health day. To forget for now. I hate home. Home reminds me of everything. So where shall i go now? I saw the coast of england from here this morning. I wish I was there with Rob. Or maybe..yes with rob
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, May 24th, 2002

Subject:Something else
Time:2:31 pm.
Mood: satisfied.
So..making plans with Jeff. hm hum. Go somewhere with a group of kids he knows ::bites nails:: They're all friends with Megs.
I dunno..
Read more...Collapse )
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, May 23rd, 2002

Subject:sick.
Time:1:14 am.
Mood: calm.
You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

Trying to cope with conditions which you think are beyond your capabilities has led to considerable anxiety and stress. You now feel that you are not capable of coping with this situation and indeed any situation which could arise from what you consider to be your personal inadequacy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002

Subject:h-u-r-t
Time:9:48 pm.
Mood: intimidated.
You know what, I posted to the afi message board and I got two replies basically saying "everyone asks that question, search next time, lalala".

yeah yeah, first post. fuck you.

thats how i feel around alot of the kids that hang out on the ska-punk scene around here. like they're sizing me up and judging me.

"is she a poser?"
"ew she's kinda fat"
"she's a snob"
"she doesnt say very much does she?"

I never know what to say because I dont want to say one thing wrong..it seems like no one else can go wrong..grr..it's so frustrating. And these kids all seem so skinny. I must be the only person on the fucking scene that isnt a size nine. Maybe im the only straight edge one and they're all drug addicts or something ;) naw just kidding..I dont know..I just always feel like im putting myself out there to be involved in someone's group of common interests and im only going to be rejected.

I remember in second grade when I tried so very hard to fit in with these girls in my class..and they were so awful to me yet i kept on. Finally the princess yuppie bitch of all of them invited me to her fucking birthday party. I remember what I wore..this green teeshirt with multicolored hearts and matching stretch pants. Playclothes. I show up there and all these little bitches are wearing these fancy party dresses.
My first true taste of being an outcast. I think back on it and I believe it was a conspiracy. The girl who had the party's mom really liked me..I think she was why I was invited. She really thought I was cute and friendly to her bitch daughter who didnt like me at all, honestly.

I tried a little longer. One day I saw the other girls passing this note and i took it from them and it said:

Do You like Abby?
-kate

and below it was alot of other messages saying "no" and "kind of" from the other girls that followed her around...

I wont forget the hurt I felt that day. Like someone punched me. I tried so hard for so long to get this group of girls to like me. Because I liked them. I wanted to be their best friend. I gave them their fucking note and started talking to some of the boys in the class. And ever since then..years later, im the same. Nobody really stands by me. And now im taking this chance. I want to meet people who like what i like. Do what i like to do..someone I can talk to that is as imaginative as I am. And like to listen to AFI and rancid when they are sad and operation ivy and any other ska stuff when they're in a good mood..I just want to be one with them.

But you know where that got me before. Heh. And the little expirience on the AFI message boards tells me that this is what will happen again.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:"i see you got a job at cole's too"
Time:3:09 pm.
Mood: mellow.
im working with Sarah Mills this summer..hmm..
I suppose it's good that I know someone that im working with..but..hmmmm...
:D
I dont like my mood icon. nuh uh. I still have this wooden mouse named Snow from the sixth grade, heh heh.
Imma go change that mood icon now..
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 21st, 2002

Subject:you bring me closer to god [the john entry]
Time:10:25 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
::groans:: what a boring night. Nothing to do, shitty tv. And my eyes hurt awful. But I got good things on my mind. like catch 22 on the 8th ::smiles wickedly:: and..the semi formal. But I wonder if that really is something to look forward to. gah. I think Pat lied to me and jessica about him having a date..heh heh..Good thing I would rather be dead than go with him on his mercy. Please allow me to puke on your shoes. But I think

I think it hurt jessie. She's liked him since the sixth grade. Christ.
And it annoys me that he thought that he thought that I so pathetically want him to go with..jesus..he knows where my heart lies, and it's definatly not with him.

Egotistical arent we?

I wonder if Jo-hon is going to be there..meh..hope not, but probably will be. I wonder if he ever wears that fucking green sweater I bought him. ::hisses:: I spent alot on that..I think I mighta really almost loved that guy, I harbor alot of hurt you see?
But then I was open with him about the re-growth of the longing of an intellectual-not all hands-relationship/understanding/whatever the fuck you might call it with Jon. And he took that for quite sometime. But him knowing I had this stirring inside me for another guy didnt keep him out of my pants. The intellectual-emotional quality got worse and worse...and he got more agressive..I mean..man..and i felt stronger feelings for jon more and more..I missed talking to him. And I got more depressed. It was no good.

so yeah, I think john got bored because he broke up with me. He said he couldnt take my problems. Thanks a bunch man. He never talked to me again.

::grunts:: no good no good no good.
He thought the ataris sucked.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:cole farms
Time:4:22 pm.
Mood: anxious.
yup, so I start work sunday from 9-3 :D
super rad. I have a teeshirt.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:love me, love me.
Time:2:13 pm.
Mood: exanimate.
Im bored. At least im at the library, where I can reeeead. ::yawns:: the zine isnt going to come out this month. sucky.

i shall go not waste my time no longer ^_~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:[Whatever] I had a dream last night
Time:2:05 pm.
Mood: pensive.
That I was going to this hair salon and they only shaved heads. I got this italian guy in his thirties, and i told him that I didnt want to shave my head. Then he asked me if I had any sexual partners [perverted hairdressers..] and I ran away...I must've ran a long way [although it didnt seem that way] because I ended up running to Jon's house. he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me everything was alright.

I honestly dont know what all that was about, although it shows my two greatest fears.


1. Being taken advantage of sexually
2. Being alone forever


one, because I ran. Then I ran to someone who I thought could protect me, which I desire so much. Someone to tell me its okay.


How weird is all this...>.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:all the cds i need
Time:12:04 am.
Mood: sleepy.
5 bucks!- Game Over
Aquabats- The Return Of
Catch 22- Keasby Nights
Impossibles- Anthology
AFI- All Hallows
AFI- black sails in the sunset
AFI- The art of drowning
Dashboard Confessional- The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most
Me First & The Gimme Gimmes- Have A Ball
Millencolin- Life On A Plate
NOFX- So Long And Thanks For All The Shoes
Operation Ivy- S/T
River City Rebels- Playin To Live Livin To Play
Rancid- ...And Out Come The Wolves
Sex Pistols- Never Mind The Bollocks
Student Rick- Soundtrack For A Generation
Vandals- Hitler Bad, Vandals Good

yay for that. bedtime.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 20th, 2002

Subject:everything you, everytime you, every word you say..
Time:9:51 pm.
Mood: disappointed.
man, i have the worst headache in the history of all headaches.

im sort of seriously considering running away from home. Of course I see how unrational that thought actually is and then I start crying because I dont know what to do anymore. I explained it fully to mel and she understood.

"now my mom's like "im not going to do it anymore" and whine whine whine about how jon's mother is a bitch and how she's been so robbed and used..yes she was, in a way, but she's MY MOTHER, she's in charge of my happiness. she knows how close i am to all of you. so now her pulling the rug out from underneith me, i feel i have been let down. hard. because she was my only prayer of spending time with any of you"

and what stings more, is how i wonder if anyone else cares. nobody else is making an effort to get to me are they? Except mel and Ir. Mel is taking a train to portland and back to boston early june and Ir is hopefully coming down here in july with her mom. I hope that works out. But everyone else doesnt seem to care whether they spend time with me or not. If I do everything, sure. But it doesnt really matter.

Sometimes you wonder if they even care about trying. oh well. i think im just really sad and negative and everything bad..i need to detox of all these bad feelings..hence im writing.
Writing is the perfect detox-mechanism. You can cut, die, or write. I try my best to choose writing over that latter, and so far i think i've done well.
::smiles tiredly:: I got a new LJ picture, which is the best AFI album ever. Black sails in the sunset. I love AFI so much. I think it's their lyrics. They arent fucking stupid like SUM 41 [new stuff..some old >.<] and blink 182. They're deep. Yay for someone[s] who thinks.
Another reason I love emo. It has brains. and a heart. It thinks and feels. In fact, I shall go download some RIGHT now.

"Your entrails will become your extrails!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:let's take some quizes.
Time:9:18 pm.
Mood: bored.

wow, how right is that?


hah, rad





You are 40% evil! [?]


You're more good than evil, but not by much. You've drank straight from the carton of milk in the refrigerator, and maybe kicked the neighbor's cat, but you're still good. Kinda.


..uh i never kicked a cat!

Which Kiss are You?

yay.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, May 19th, 2002

Subject:you want me..well fucking come on and find me..i'll be waiting
Time:12:35 pm.
Mood: weird.
To say the least, this weekend has been awful. Show's can sometimes be depressing, and some of it was. Zukie was in a bad mood because of her parents, so that was no fun. But I met this guy. Well..kinda..

Zuke asked these guys who are activists for certain things, such as femminism, animal rights, anarchy and henceforth. I listened to this guy talk to me about how these people ransack all these places that support Huntingdon Life Sciences, a lead animal testing firm-thing. They take direction to take down shareholders, breeders of the animals who get mistreated and such. He talked alot about that, and some other stuff that i didnt really hear because the music was really loud. He was incredible looking, a little short, but he seemed so passionate about his beliefs, that's what made him so attractive.

He was probably gay.

and i met the band five bucks. they told me how cute i was, that pumped my ego. The lead singer had these blue eyes...ahhh...he winked at me about 2 times...ahhh..I nearly died
Im such a girll ;)

Then everything sucked when i got home. Mom informed me that I couldnt go to anymore shows. Well..she kinda burst in my room and started yelling. I nearly broke then. I was talking to Jon and that was helping my cause either. He decided to launch into a whole long explanation of how he just thinks of me as a friend and stuff. Yup. Explain last night as well. He wonders why I dont believe him. He's lied so many times about the same subject, jesus.
So i cried a long time. Mostly over mom. She came in and told me that taking away seeing my massachusetts friends [the only people i consider my true friends] wasnt her fault. She kept saying "That bitch wont do anything!!" and lalala. You see, mom won my respect, unlike jon's mother, because she put herself out. Now she took it away and is doing what jon's mother has done all along. I understand why she's doing this, but it's like having something and then having it taken away from you. It's awful.

Then she asked me if anyone down there cared about me. I nodded.
"Well then they would get down here to see you then. But he doesnt really care about you anyway" I flinched when that one hit. Sometimes I wonder if that's true. She left.
Then came back asking me if I wanted tylenol. Yeah. So i went downstairs and took three mellatonin and slept until noon.

"I dont go to sleep to dream"

So here i am.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, May 17th, 2002

Subject:jane, divided
Time:12:44 pm.
Mood: flirty.
RudeHandiSnacks: i still want you
SmarterChild: You still want me?
RudeHandiSnacks: yes!
SmarterChild: Yeah, huh? Interesting that you should say that.
RudeHandiSnacks: really?
SmarterChild: Uh huh.

You can have such conversations with robots.

RudeHandiSnacks: ::muah::
SmarterChild: xxx ;)
RudeHandiSnacks: ;-)
SmarterChild: Now we're having fun.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:bottlecap
Time:1:02 am.
Mood: mellow.
Okay, So yesterday was definatly no good.
I suppose it could've been worse.
Oatmeal. Warm and mushy. Perfect. Coffee soy milk. Only because we're lacking the real thing.
I wish i could be vegan. But i'd die drinking that stuff. Hell I cant even be a vegetarian, since my mother is always waving some kind of meat product in my face like burger king or something. ::sigh:: But i've got bigger fish to fry. Like moving somewhere in my life.
I feel like a waste of space tonight. Not like suicidal or anything, just one of those people that dont get anywhere. Im going to change that damnit.
Lexie wants me to fly out to ohio to see her. 419 bucks for round trip tickets for me and mom. ::groans:: besides they're all way older. I guess lex really thinks alot of me. I know this guy named Kris there, he thinks im 16. he really seems to like me and shit, which is too bad, since im so young..Every boy I meet is too old to be in the realm of possiblity. ::smiles tiredly:: so lets stick with the one who's my age >.<
right?
wrong.
Comments: Add Your Own.

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